a case for dating someone different
you really are a mosaic of everyone you ever loved
When I was 15 years old and frantically trying to make it through honors chemistry, I developed a habit of FaceTiming this one classmate whenever there was an exam coming up.
His name was A and I liked him because he was smart and patient and funny but most of all, I was curiously enamored by the way his brain worked so differently than mine. Our differences presented themselves as we tried to study chemistry together, but as the year went on they became obvious in all aspects of our teenage lives. At the time, he was known for talking back to teachers, never backing down from a debate, and quitting the cross country team after hitting a sub-5 minute mile time. Meanwhile, I was an intensely shy, conflict-averse, and fearful rule follower who ran a secret blog after school.
Somehow a few weeks into delirious study sessions balancing reactions and forming chemical bonds (hehe), we fell in love and proceeded to date for FIVE YEARS. By age 21, A and I had been together for a quarter of our existence when we decided to close our chapter.
Fast forward three years and A and I are now good friends! This is the story of how my ex and I morphed into the same person three years after breaking up.
the text that started this spiral
On March 9th, 2025, I woke up to a text from A asking me to take a personality test.
As a girlie who is constantly trying to understand, personality tests are one of my weaknesses. So I took the test immediately.
The test in question, Big 5 (aka OCEAN), is a popular one that we’ve started revisiting every now and then. It measures personality based on the following dimensions: extroversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and intellect/imagination.
Like all personality tests, taking the Big 5 for me is just a fun exercise in checking in on my self-perception at any given moment. I generally view it as nothing more than a way to notice changes like “wow I really did become more open to new experiences this year :)” or “damn what happened to my emotional stability?!”.
But this time around we found something super interesting!
As A and I compared our results, we realized that we scored eerily similar on all of the personality dimensions ~ kind of crazy given how we used to perceive each other as polar opposites!
the hypothesis
Being the overly reflective people we are, A and I have been noticing our converging personalities for a while now. Although we don’t talk very often, our occasional catch-up calls were increasingly just us noticing how similar we had become. Some examples include: when A got into practicing yoga, when he chose to join an edtech startup over continuing higher education, or when I started reading a graph theory textbook for fun, and every time I chose to confront someone about something. We noticed broader themes too, like how he became more realistic and careful and I became more starry-eyed and carefree. Most of all, over the years, I solved the mysteries I used to be so confused about in high school: how A could be so bold, secure, and logical in the way he moved around the world in his body. Somewhere along the way, I had become that way too.
“I finally understand how it feels to be you.” I’d tell him.
We came out of this realization with a hypothesis:
Exes have the potential to become more similar after the breakup.
the scientific evidence
A and I live on opposite sides of the country, have had/are in different relationships, and just aren’t as in contact as we used to be. Yet, based on our 2025 personality results, we realized that we were becoming more similar year after year despite physically growing apart.
To complete my very scientific analysis on the Great Personality Merger of 2025, I did some math to support our claims with quantifiable evidence 🤓
As we recalled correctly, we were not as similar this time last year, with a whopping 58% difference in conscientiousness and an average of 27% difference across the five dimensions.
This year, however, we scored nearly identically on all of the dimensions, including 0 difference on the extroversion spectrum and a mere 5% average difference across all five dimensions.
I’m no mathematician but that’s a big (22%) increase in average similarity YoY for 2025! 📈 And notably, we have both shifted to approach convergence.
Note: I don’t have our personality results from before we broke up, but trust me they were always insanely different, and we also always perceived each other to be polar opposites prior to 2024.
on influence
Strangely enough, A and I influenced each other’s personalities more after we broke up than during our actual relationship in many ways.
This observation was blowing our minds because it’s so counter-intuitive. Spend more time with someone, become more like them. Spend less time with them, become less like them, right? Yet here we were, watching the inverse unfold. When our literal paths diverged in 2022, our personalities somehow began to approach a common path.
My personal theory for why this happened is that when we date someone, we become used to sharing personality trait influences, especially as we intertwine so closely with them for years. Suddenly, when it’s gone, we’re forced to learn how to bring out the good traits that the other person used to provide on our own if we want to keep it.
For instance, in a couple, if one person always wants to go out while the other person always wants to stay in, they’ll likely influence each other to do some of both. It’s possible that post-breakup, the person who typically defaults to wanting to stay in will start to appreciate and miss the days spent going out prompted by their ex, causing them to initiate nights out themselves. Or vice versa! Simply, this ex has left holes in their lives that they have to learn to fill on their own. Hence, exes have the potential to become more and more similar after a breakup.
Influence! I’d like to think that this idea has resulted in A and I becoming more balanced individuals. For years after the relationship, parts of him still live within me pushing me outside of my comfort zone, encouraging me to speak up for myself, and reminding me that the world is my oyster. Similarly, there will forever be an Ashley-shaped ghost in his gut reeling it back, reminding him to think about the consequences of his words and actions. The parts of ourselves that we give to others, they are profoundly lasting and influential ~ a thought that is beautiful, frightening, and human!
My takeaways from this rabbit hole:
Are you the average of your five closest friends? I’ve always interpreted this saying by thinking of my current closest friends and questioning if I embody their collective essence. But actually I think it’s more like: you are the average of your five closest friends ever rather than right now—you are a mosaic of everyone you’ve ever loved.
Who should I date? Someone who you’d be honored to influence and to be influenced by! Because for better or for worse, consciously or subconsciously, you might just become each other.
I’ll admit it’s cynically machiavellian to evaluate a relationship simply by the influence that a person could have on your personal growth. Still, I suspect that most people are undervaluing the long-lasting influences we have on each other.
How are you influenced by everyone you’ve ever loved?
Shoutout to A for collaborating on this piece with me! I’m grateful that we even have the unique opportunity to recognize these trends with bidirectional evidence and reflect on the ways that we’ve influenced each other over time in a way that most other exes cannot fully corroborate. Super epic!
I’m playing around with different forms of essays and storytelling! This one in particular was really difficult for me to organize. It was hard to balance simplicity with providing enough context for this story to make sense! Would love to hear feedback or personal stories via email: ashscaffeinatedthoughts@gmail.com.
Related ramblings on social connection and early 20s relationships:
It's late here in Australia, but i think I agree with you! Crazy to think about
I really enjoyed this! Always quite interested in relationship takes from people who still get on with their exes